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Aries
Well hoorah, Aries, your song of the week is
Oops I did it again,
by what's her name? Oh, yes, Britney something,
Spears I believe. To remind you that fame doesn't
last, and that people will forget about a
particularly painful incident you were the heart and
soul of, long before the thought of forgiveness
crossed their minds. Oops, you're not that
interesting, you know!
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Taurus
Good news, Taurus, your song of the week is
The Chicken Song.
Memorize it and sing it whenever you can, and if you don't take
yourself less seriously after that, your friends and colleagues
certainly will.
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Gemini
You are such a romantic, Gemini, the way you
always crave things you can't possibly have,
take infinite pity on yourself and spend the
rest of such tormented days gazing distraught in an open
fire. You won't even hear of marshmallows or
popcorn when that mood strikes, that's how bad
it is. But not to worry: here's the perfect song to enhance that
kind of mood:
If music be the food of
love. Warning: this song is by
Henry Purcell, so it does indeed sound like real
music, with a melody and rhythm and stuff. Can't
be helped, but as long as you stick to the
lyrics you'll be just fine (I'm not inventing
this, you know, I saw it in the stars, moons,
planets and other bright objects I spotted
through my binoculars, surely not all of which
were dust).
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Cancer
"Almost heaven, West Virginia..." Ring any bells? Of
course it does, it's
Country Roads, innit?
Not only do I like this song enough to make it your special song
for this week (I know I shouldn't become personal while
practicing this, the very serious business of forecasting your
lives, the universe, and everything, but my
very own significant other is one of you Cancers. Please don't
tell anyone will you?) The main reason for choosing this song is
that you should not ever fly your own plane. Not even if it is a
jet plane. 'coz there really will be no telling when you'll be
back again.
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Leo
Remember the Beastie Boys? They got away with
anything and everything for a while, didn't they?
If this particular choice makes you wonder how
old I am, because you never heard of such a band
in your entire life, I have to concede that you
probably shouldn't ask. Anyway, back to your
forecast: you shouldn't
be afraid to take risks, certainly not when the
involve nothing more drastic than changing the
way you don't take care of your hairstyle
anyway. Live a little! You can have
soup for breakfast if that's what you want, you
know! You can do anything, just remember that
there's
No Sleep till Brooklyn!
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Virgo
Accused of dreadful deeds you most certainly did not perform? Do
people treat you wearily? Are you unsure of what you see in the
mirror, and does this unsettling feeling haunt you more and more
every year? I bet you can't escape the feeling
your neighbours keep their children in whenever you are
out. That's why I assigned this lovely song for you, by the everlovely Michael Jackson:
Billie Jean. Ever since
he brought this song out, his reputation has been so much the
better, or has it?
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Libra
Get a life! I mean, really, you shouldn't stalk people. And yes,
sending postcards and flowers on a daily basis would be
considered stalking. Particularly if you don't know the object
of your attentions personally. Get this: George Michael is gay,
so he's not interested, Paris, and I know you don't mind a
potbelly, Sandra, but Luciano Pavarotti is no more. He shuffled
off this mortal coil and ceased to be completely. The same, or
very similar reasons apply to John Lennon, Ellen Degeneres, Za
Za Gabor and Tom Cruise. So do have a long hard listen to
Eleanor Rigby next time you get the
chance, but if I were you I'd read the lyrics straight away.
Twice.
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Scorpio
One thousand and three, huh? How gullible do you think
people are? You should get yourself a butler to boast the number
of lovers you've known in your stead. If not credibility it
might add the charm of your absence to the experience. Again, like I did for
Gemini, I feel I have to warn you: this is real music, by
Mozart, and to make matters worse: it's not even in English
(what was Wolfgang thinking!?) but not to worry, I saw to it
you'd find a translation right here for
Air de
Leporello.
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Sagittarius
Hey, don't get
depressed! Not yet anyway. There's stacks, packs and vast
quantities of awful news in store for you, but first of all I
haven't told you yet and secondly, don't you think you ought to wait
until the festive season, which is the appropriate time of year
to indulge in self pity in every shape and size. Just think
about
Summertime, when the living is easy
and all that nonsense, why don't you!
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Capricorn
Don't be such a baby, Capricorn, and for Pete's sake, take that
thumb out of your mouth. You look not unlike a giant barbie doll
auditioning for 'Scream 3' right in the middle of an
exceptionally nasty instance of pms. Calm down. Get your mom to
come over and sing you any old nursery rhyme or have a look at
this
one, about that good old itsy bitsy
spider if all else fails.
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Aquarius
Did you know that life consists of good as well
as bad stuff? Fun as well as dreary tasks?
Beautiful as well as horrible days? Sometimes
you've just got to breathe in, count to ten and
get on with it. Here's the good news: July
Andrews is standing by to help you, with
a song!
I just hope you like sugar.
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Pisces
So I know you're not really all you claim to be, but who
else does? Do you think you'll still get away with it when
you're old? Or do you have no intention to join the grey and
wrinkled? In that case you'll really enjoy your song of the
week, by the great but late Freddie Mercury:
The
Great Pretender. There really is no
need to thank me, but I do appreciate the thought.
.
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